Preparation advice for new dads
The thought of being a new dad can be a terrifying experience, i wish someone had given me the advice I'm going to share with you all when i found out i was going to be a dad for the first time.
I've put together a list of things that all dads should try in order to prepare them for the wonders/ hell that is parenthood, from lack of sleep to taking a baby shopping.
I hope this little lot helps you prepare physically and mentally, if not at least you might get a much over due laugh out of it.
General preparation for children:
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. 2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. 3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
4. Delete all your saved recordings off Sky+.
5. Cancel gym membership.
Preparing for sleepless nights:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4- 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. 2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. 3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am. 4. Set the alarm for 3am. 5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of coffee. 6. Go to bed at 2.45am. 7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. 8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. 9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off. 10. Make breakfast.
11.Keep this up for 5 years.
12. And most important of all, LOOK CHEERFUL.
Dressing Small Children:
1. Buy a live octopus and a small bag. 2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that no arms hangout.
Preparing your car for parenthood:
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon. 2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player. 4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat. 5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Understanding the challenges of going for a walk:
1. Go out the front door. 2. Come back in again. 3. Go out. 4. Come back in again. 5. Go out again. 6. Walk down the front path. 7. Walk back up it. 8. Walk down it again. 9. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. 10. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
11. Retrace your steps. 12. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
13. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Preparation for meal times:
1. Hollow out a melon 2. Make a small hole in the side 3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side 4. Now get a bowl of weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the bowl is gone. 6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
Preparing for the mess:
1. Smear chocolate spread onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains 2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. 3. Stick your fingers in the mud in the garden and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look? 4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5. 5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there.
6. strategically place Megablox all over the floor making a walk of certain pain, then attempt to run from one side of the room to the other, repeat until your feet can't take any more pain.
Preparing for getting ready for work:
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. 2. Put on your finest work attire. 3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it 4. Stir 5. Dump half of it on your nice clean white shirt 6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture 7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel 8. Do not change (you have no time). 9. Go directly to work.
Once you have reached the end of these preparation tasks, you are ready to be a dad, nothing will break you.